Hope
by X5vale
Summary: Dean's pov while he is in the hospital. Related to Grace and Redemption.


Hope Dean's pov.

I was there, laying in a bed in that hospital. I couldn't believe this was happening. It was like I was outside of my body. As if I was observing all the things that were happening from another dimension. I didn't know what was going on with me. I felt astray, lonely, lost in a place I didn't know. I wasn't able to find my way home again.

My eyes were closed. Every time I tried to open them I had to fight a hard battle. My body was still and suffering. I didn't have the strength to move, to raise up, to touch the people that I loved.

I sensed Sara close to me. I could feel her tiredness and desperation. My lovely Sara, I knew she was trying her best to be strong. She wanted to be strong for me. And I needed to see her that way, quiet and strong.

I wanted to struggle this evil thing that was trying to kill me, but I wasn't sure that I had the power. I needed her. She had been my light and my guide since the first time I had met her. I could never forget that day. It had been sunny and warmand she had been so beautiful. I immediately felt that she was special and I fell for her. She was the only one, apart from Sam and Dad, that I trusted with life.

And now, laying in this bed, I needed her strength, because her strength was mine. Her soul was mine, her love, mine.

I remembered her holding my hands and whispering sweet words, while I was half unconscious. I could hear her broken voice like it was a breath of wind that gently brushed my face. She was so close, her body crouched by my bed. Then I opened my eyes and saw the tears in hers. I tried to stroke her face, tried to wipe her tears away. But I was too weak, my hands were shaking, my arms so heavy. But I tried until I did it because she needed me to be strong as well.

As I lay there, all my life flowed through my mind. I knew I was dying and I wanted to remember every single minute of what my existence had been.

I remembered my Mom. She had been so sweet and I had always felt safe when she was close to me. I had been so happy as a young child. Then Sammy came into the picture. I had loved my baby brother since the first time I saw him. And my Dad, he was my hero. I could remember myself waiting for him in the evenings and spending so much time listening to his stories.

_Dad, where are you? I needed you so much that last time in Lawrence. You can't imagine how I had felt entering our old house, seeing the place where mom had been killed_. While I remembered these things I could feel the pain increasing and my body becoming weaker. The thing that was killing me was using my emotions against me.

But I didn't care. I knew it was too late for me, finally I let my thoughts rest on my father and my feelings about him.

_Dad, I need you so much while I am in this bed. I need my hero. I need your courage, your strength. I have never betrayed you, I have never left you dad. I have always stuck with you. Sam said I had always followed your orders like an obedient soldier, that I was pathetic because I couldn't think with my own mind. Can you believe that? For me our family had always been the most important thing. I would have done everything to keep all the pieces together I knew Sam was going to break your heart, and mine too, when he left for Stanford,but I tried to make you understand why he needed his life. Dad, I have been caught in the middle of your fights so many times I can't count them. But whatever I have done in my life, I did it for our family._

_And then you disappeared without a trace, a reason, an explanation, frightening me to death. I felt lost, lonely, betrayed, and disappointed. But again I had defended you to Sam, because I needed to believe you had your own reasons to leave the job, to leave me. But in this bed, I was dying and you aren't here. Sam called you but you haven't come. Dad, I am sorry but I can't understand why._

_I can't do this alone…I can't win without you_…_Dad please_, I begged, _please help me_.

The tears wet my face as I was thinking about him. I could barely stand the pain I was feeling, the cold and the emptiness descending in my soul.

_Oh Sammy, maybe you haven't been wrong. _Sam, my little, sensitive brother. I still remembered the look on his face when I told him that I was dying and we couldn't stop it. He was so pale, his eyes filled with tears, guilt, pain, anger. He came closer, held my hands tight and almost whispering he said that he wouldn't allowed it. He said he would save me, that he wouldn't disappoint me again. He said that he would do anything for me. What he didn't say was that he would have died in order to save me. But I already knew it.

_And I don't want you to. No Sammy, I want you alive. I have always been your protector. I can't let you die for me._

Sam, so many thoughts cross my mind as I lay in this hospital. As you run to save my life. I couldn't live without you, you are the one who helped me all my life. The one I had healed and cared about. But I never told you how much gratitude I felt. You had been my strength and my only reason for not giving up, the one I had always trusted with my life. The one I would have died for. The one I would have never betrayed. And I know how you are feeling since that day at the asylum. I thought so many times about that day

_You had killed me there, baby bro_.

You had shattered my heart in a thousand small pieces. My soul has been bleeding since then. You told me that you had been possessed, that it hadn't been you. But I couldn't forget the look in your eyes, the rage, the pain. It had been like you had buried your feelings for years and then suddenly they had burst out against me, your brother.

_Oh Sammy. I thought I knew you, I thought I could trust you. But…but I didn't know what to do, what to think. I would have given my life to have your love back, but you hated me. Sammy, how could have you hated me that much? You said you didn't mean to hurt me, I wished that was the true. But, Oh Sammy, I didn't know what to believe._

Again I felt lost and lonely. My family wasn't there for me.

But then I looked up and saw that look in your eyes. I was there in that bed and you were beside me. Your body tensed. Your fists clenched. Your voice broken. And I saw the concern and the love. I knew in that instant that you would have done anything to save me. I finally felt like my baby brother was back.

I cried inside of myself because this time it was me that needed to be healed, to be reassured, to be comforted. This time I wasn't your rock, you were mine.

I needed you, I wanted to trust you again, and as I felt my life slipping away from my body. I forgave you, because I had loved you for all your life.

When I heard your voice again I smiled because I knew you hadn't left me again. You did what you had promised. You, my brother, the one that had almost killed me, you gave me another chance. You gave me my life back. You gave me the only thing that had always kept me safe.

You gave me hope.


End file.
